


Deep breaths

by Molliartytho



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Stucky - Freeform, and it's glorious, bucky taking care of steve, but then fluffy, established stucky relationship, that's about it, they kiss, they're losers in love, this is kind of angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4974166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molliartytho/pseuds/Molliartytho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has a panic attack in the middle of a mission and Bucky takes care of him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deep breaths

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't do my homework and instead wrote this.  
> So many people on tumblr encouraged this decision and i hope the wait was worth it  
> I'm so sorry for the angst and feels.

Steve was drowning. He was back in that plane, flying it into the water and he couldn't breathe.

His whole body hurt as he struggled to stay awake.

His lungs were on fire, everything was dark around him, and he couldn't even try to call out for help. He was in a fight with water, and the water was winning.

He was spluttering, moving every part of his body he could, and trying his best to get out of the situation. He was trying to fight, but something kept holding him down. His ears were pounding, already filled up with water and every sound was muffled. He could hear something that sounded like a person talking, but that couldn’t be. He was all alone.

 His eyes were closed, because the water stung them when he tried to open them. It was dark anyway so what was the point of opening his eyes. He was going to die here.

He was alone, dying, and he couldn’t find a way out.

Moving became difficult and he all but stopped fighting.

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't _breathe_.

"...vie. C’mon come back to me!"

Steve gasped in a breath of air and coughed up some water that was in his throat. His eyes shot open and he realized he was no longer in the water. He wanted to cry.

His eyes stung as they filled with tears and he rolled onto his side, his face burrowing into the love of his life’s stomach. It was Bucky’s voice he’d been hearing. Bucky who brought him back to the land of the living, helped him breathe again. He timed his breaths with Bucky’s. Breathing in as Bucky breathed out, like he was the only thing keeping the oxygen working.

He heard Bucky’s sigh of relief and felt hands move to his hair and his upper back to try and comfort him.

"That's it sweetheart you're alright. S’okay, I've got you. I've got you Stevie."

He rubbed soothing circles on Steve's upper back just like he used to back in the day. Back when he was little and was sick all the time. Steve felt Bucky’s forehead touch the top of his head and heard him whispering things to try and help calm him down. There was just an edge of panic surrounding his words.

“I’ve got you babydoll. It’s alright. You’re okay sweetheart, I’m right here.”

Steve was still crying and choking sobs filled the still space around them.

Steve found himself clutching to Bucky with all his strength and when his crying died down, so he wasn’t sobbing anymore he loosened his grip a bit. He hoped he hadn’t hurt Bucky with his strength.   

"S-sorry." He mumbled into Bucky’s stomach. He was shivering, because he was wet or because of something else he couldn't tell. His whole body was shaking, almost violently so.

Steve didn’t even have the energy to feel bad that he was crying, couldn’t even muster up the littlest bit of embarrassment.

Bucky shook his head and pulled back to look into Steve’s eyes. Steve was avoiding eye contact, but he knew Bucky was frowning at him.

They both heard Sam speaking quietly behind him.

“He’s alright guys, but he’s gunna need a little time to rest after this. Tony can you bring the jet any closer?”

Cursing, Steve burrowed his head back into Bucky and Bucky closed his eyes, while holding onto him a little bit tighter.

“How badly did I mess up the mission?” he asked, still shivering slightly.

Using his arms and hand he made Steve look up at him, Bucky started to speak

“You didn’t. I don’t want to hear any more about this mission until we get you back to the plane and away from here, you understand me, Rogers?”

Steve nodded, too tired to argue with him. He didn’t know if he could move on his own right now, but he’d try his best.

A few minutes later, when Steve actually tried moving, Bucky’s hands stopped him.

“You stay right here so I can get up and help you Steve. Don’t try and get up on your own.”

“But I…”

“Nah man just listen to your boyfriend, he’s right.” Sam’s voice rang in his ears and he stopped talking and nodded his understanding.

Bucky and Sam looked at each other with slight concern in their eyes, because he wasn’t fighting back. Steve always fought back.

Once Bucky got up, he and Sam both helped Steve to sit up slowly and then to stand. It took a little longer than usual because his body still wouldn’t stop shaking.

“S-Sorry…” Steve said again, whispering his apology to his two best friends in the world.

“Nothin to be sorry for Steve. Let’s get you home.” Bucky was carrying most of his weight and it didn’t seem to be a struggle for him at all.

The walk to the jet was slow and quiet. Once on board, Steve couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes and they all kept their heads down, like they knew he didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“Right so is the flight home going to be this awkward or can we talk about it?” Tony asked once the doors were closed.

Everyone stared at him like he was an idiot for even bringing it up. Bucky looked like he was trying to drill a hole into the supposed genius’s head with his eyes.

“Alright then. JARVIS play some music so I can drown out the glares of two Russian assassins, an angry scientist, our beloved bird bros, and Captain Stars and Stripes please.” Tony went back to piloting the jet and indeed ignoring all the glares.

Steve wanted to curl up into a ball and cry some more, but he was in front of his team now and he wouldn’t let that happen. He didn’t want them to see him any weaker than they already were going to.

Bucky helped him sit down, while Sam went and grabbed their bags they had brought with them on the plane.

Helping him get some of the wet clothes off, Bucky set them aside, watched as Steve’s shivering got worse, and as soon as Sam handed him his bag he grabbed a towel out of it to drape around Steve’s shoulders.

Normally Steve didn’t let anyone take care of him, especially in front of Tony Stark because they had issues, but he was so tired from what had happened that he didn’t even care. He tried to smile a thank you at Bucky but it fell back into a sad and tired look very quickly.  Steve closed his eyes and clutched the towel closer to him. He just wanted to get home so he could go to bed and forget it ever happened.

The flight home was quiet, except for Natasha and Sam speaking quietly in the corner where they thought he couldn’t hear them, but he could.

“What triggered it?" Natasha asked Sam as quietly as she could.

"He was fine one minute, fighting some hydra guy, but when he shoved the guy into the water and he got dragged in too he started freaking out.

"Water?"

"Yeah he fell into that river and when he didn't immediately resurface I knew something was off so I got there to pull him out. Bucky got there after I told you all Cap was down. Never seen the guy look so shaken or move so fast."

They both, not so subtly, looked over to where Steve was sitting and still shivering lightly.

Bucky was standing up by the front, watching Steve but giving him some space which Steve was grateful for. He was so mad at himself for letting water be the reason he had a panic attack. Some superhero he was.

He had almost drifted off to sleep when some turbulence shook the jet and he was right back in that very bad place. He couldn’t breathe. He was on that plane and it was going to crash into the freezing cold water. He was going to die, again.

His eyes shot open and he wrapped his arms around himself, close to his body. It felt like he remembers an asthma attack feeling.

But he didn’t- _couldn’t_ have those anymore, so how was he supposed to start breathing again?

He needed an inhaler, or someone to hit him on the back, or something to get him to calm down.

He couldn’t _fucking breathe_. Before he could even gasp a second time, Bucky was in front of him.

“Stevie! Listen to me, we’re in Stark’s jet, we’re heading home. The mission is over, the bad guys are gone. I need you to focus on breathin right okay? You might be a super soldier but you still need oxygen, punk.”

Steve knew he was trying to lighten the mood.

“In and out Steve. You can do it. Breathe in and out, nice and slow. That’s it.”

Clamping his eyes shut Steve did what he was told. In and out. In and out.

It hurt to take a breath because his lungs didn’t want to do what they were supposed to. Bucky’s hand was on his chest guiding him, just like he used to.

It was just like before, when he was little and helpless. Back when he’d have an asthma attack for no reason, or when he’d get sick and someone had to be there to help him through a coughing fit, or help him remember to eat.

After a few minutes everything was back to normal, his body was shaking slightly, but at least he could breathe properly again.

He opened his eyes, and they immediately met Bucky’s. He was staring at him intensely, watching and waiting for him to be alright again. Always there to help him through these things, his Bucky.

Bucky’s hand stayed on his chest, lighter now than before, and he moved his other hand, the metal one, to his cheek.

They didn’t usually do affection in front of the team, but right now it didn’t matter.  

“Stevie?” Bucky’s voice was quiet and full of concern, very out of character for him when they were in front of other people.

Steve shrugged, trying not to start crying again in front of everyone.  Bucky didn’t move again for the rest of the flight.

No one tried to make him.

The minute they landed, Bucky’s arm was under Steve helping him out and into the tower.

“Sam will you grab our bags?” Bucky asked him on the way out, not really waiting for a response. He knew Sam would do it.

Once inside, Bucky got Steve into the elevator and away from the team. As soon as the door was shut completely he put an arm around Steve’s waist and let out a deep breath.

“Scared me to death out there today Stevie.”  He breathed out in a whisper. He hugged Steve close to him, fitting him snugly against his chest. There was not a part of their bodies that wasn’t touching, but Bucky still tried to hold him closer and closer.

Steve was looking down at the floor over Bucky’s shoulder, his mouth quivering a little trying not to start sobbing again. He couldn’t bring himself to hug back very tightly.

The elevator door dinged open and Bucky separated from him so they could walk into their home. Helping him onto the couch he smoothed Steve’s hair away from his face before speaking quietly.

“I’m going to go get some clean, dry clothes for you. Are you okay for a minute?”

Steve nodded, still not making eye contact.

The second Bucky was gone Steve let himself start to panic again. The thought of being alone right now was something he couldn’t handle. It was like Bucky was his anchor and he needed him to help him function.

The thought made him close his eyes and shrink back into the couch. He’s always needed Bucky, but this was different.

Back in the old days, when they were kids, Bucky was always taking care of him. Since they’d woken up in the future Steve had been returning the favor by taking care of Bucky. They’d worked hard to get his memories back, and to get him to a place where he was okay with himself as a person and as an avenger. But now it seemed like Bucky’s original instincts were kicking back in and those instincts were to take care of Steve.

Bucky had known something was up for a while now and just hadn’t said anything.

Steve had been having nightmares for weeks about that stupid plane crash, and out on a mission where he was needed most was when his body decided to have a panic attack?

Tears stung his eyes again and he angrily swept them away. He was Captain America, he didn’t have panic attacks. PTSD wasn’t something he was allowed to have, he had to be the picture of perfect health, mental and physical.

He was so angry with himself. His whole body became tense with anger, and it hurt more than he thought it would and he groaned involuntarily at the pain.

“Stop that.” He heard from the doorway.

He looked up to see Bucky watching him with a glare. Bucky had already changed into a t-shirt and sweats.

“Stop what, Buck?” he asked in a small, shaky voice.

“Stop thinking that you aren’t allowed to break down and be upset about stuff Steve.” He walked over and put the clothes down on the coffee table by the couch.

“You’re only human, Stevie. And you’ve seen and been through some shit.” He picked up the shirt he’d brought out for Steve and set it on his lap.

“We all have.” Steve responded.

Bucky started undressing him as he spoke, carefully and gently helping him out of his undershirt and into a dry t-shirt. Then taking his shoes and socks off and tossing them aside.

“I can do it Buck.” Steve attempted to argue but Bucky didn’t even bat an eye as he continued.

“You had a panic attack today. You’ve been having nightmares for weeks.” He glared up at him when Steve opened his mouth, “Don’t you try and deny it, punk I’m a light sleeper and you mumble in your sleep.”

Steve looked appropriately ashamed for trying to fight him so he continued.

“You don’t ever talk about what happened to you. To anyone. Didn’t you ever think maybe, just maybe, that that was a stupid idea?”

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but Bucky wasn’t about to let him get a word in.

“No, you didn’t. Because you’re so damn busy thinking about everyone else that you don’t stop to think about yourself and I’m fucking sick of it, Rogers.”

Bucky’s eyes were closed and his flesh hand was clenched into a fist, he held his metal arm tightly at his side, something he did if he thought he might hurt someone with it.

“Buck, I…”

“Steve, no. I know you’re worried about me, and about the team and about every damn person in the whole wide world because you’re Captain fucking America, but guess what. We’re all okay if you take some time to be a human being.” His eyes opened and he stared right into Steve’s.

“You’ve been worried that I won’t be able to handle listening to your problems, but you _make_ me talk about mine. Well guess what punk? It’s your turn. You get to talk now.”

Steve felt his throat close up a bit and he couldn’t look away from Bucky’s gaze. He didn’t want to start crying again.

“I…Bucky I’m fine I don’t want to..”

“Well that’s too damn bad.” Bucky abruptly moved up so his face was close to Steve’s.

“It’s my turn to take care of you again. Don’t shut me out Steve. Talk to me, sweetheart.” Bucky’s voice got softer and Steve could feel the concern in his voice wash over his entire body.

He broke down. He just broke down.

He collapsed into Bucky who was there to hold him. Steve couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried so hard. Bucky held him tightly and ran his hand over his back telling him he was aright and that letting it all out was good for him.

At some point, Bucky picked him up and brought them to the bedroom where he laid Steve down first and then climbed in to hold him once more. Steve’s face was against his chest and their legs intertwined.

After what seemed like an eternity, the crying stopped, the shaking stopped, his breathing returned to normal and they just let things be for a few minutes.

But Bucky wasn’t going to let him get out of talking about it, and Steve knew that, so he very quietly started talking.

“I was back on that plane. Heading straight into the water. I knew what I was doing. You were dead, there were bombs on board, and there wasn’t _time_ to think properly I-I just knew I had to keep everyone safe.” He paused and then whispered

“I didn’t think it’d hurt as much as it did.”

Bucky’s arms tightened around him as he spoke, as if trying to shield him from what had happened.

“It’s only happened once before this. Sam wanted to try swimming instead of running one morning and the thought of getting in the water made my heart start racing and my entire body froze up like I was back on that plane, slowly drowning all alone in the dark. In the freezing cold water.”

Steve sniffled a little and Bucky’s heart almost couldn’t take the sound. He didn’t remember all of what happened before the war, but he remembered Steve. Little Steve.

And the Steve in his arms was that same little punk who always pushed himself too hard and had something to prove.

He was also the same Steve that he’d held through the night when he was dying of pneumonia, and the same Steve that had saved him so many times, the same Steve that was helping him with his mental problems and keeping his own issues under lock and key because of some dumb ass mind set he had. The same Steve that he needed like his needed oxygen, and who needed him but wouldn’t come out and say it because he was a dumb ass.

Stupid punk.

“I can’t afford to be doin this again out on a mission. Who knows what would have happened if you and Sam hadn’t gotten to me in time or if you got hurt tryin to get to me or….”

Bucky’s mouth was suddenly on his and he let out a very high pitched squeak at the abrupt, but not unwanted action.

After a few seconds Bucky pulled away from him. Steve looked at him with a slightly confused and slightly disapproving look for stopping.

“Don’t worry about the mission anymore Stevie. We’re going to get you some much needed rest and take care of you for once.”

Steve shook his head, but knew better than to argue with him right now. He’d lose that argument in this state. So he’d wait until tomorrow to attempt it.

“You always take care of me, Buck. Been doing it since we were kids.”

Steve lifted his head up to kiss Bucky again. He wasn’t done doing that yet. It was like every cell in his body came to life when he was touching Bucky.

Bucky was his breath of fresh air and it didn’t matter that he’d seen so much shit because Bucky was with him. Bucky helped give him a reason to breathe.

Dear heavens above kissing Bucky Barnes was his favorite thing to do in the whole world. He couldn’t focus on anything else, even what the rest of his body was doing. How did he ever survive back in the day without doing this?

Bucky broke the kiss again and brushed his hand over Steve’s cheek.

“You need to talk to somebody about these things. I promise it helps, even though it sucks to do.” Bucky pressed another sweet, but short, kiss to his lips and pulled away yet again.

“You’ve had a very rough day, punk. It’s time to get some sleep.”

Steve all but groaned. He had used almost that exact same phrase on Bucky when things got bad for him.

“Really what I’d like to do is kiss you some more, but you keep moving away from me, you jerk.”

The corner of Bucky’s mouth twitched up as he tried to keep a stern face.

“What you _need_ to do is go to sleep, stop pushing yourself Steve.”

“You know what would help me go to sleep? You kissing me and maybe a little bit more.” Steve said with an innocent smile.

Bucky couldn’t help it as he kissed the idiot again. Who was he to argue with logic like that? Steve made sure to voice his approval very loudly and in the form of Bucky’s name.

Their clothes came off and they took their time feeling each other, just feeling skin on skin. But it quickly escalated and Bucky gave him a _lot more_ than he’d asked for.

When they were both finished and sweaty and just slightly too warm from their activities Steve nuzzled into Bucky’s chest with a sigh.

He was so much more okay here in bed with Bucky than he was out on that mission. He didn’t ever want to move again.

Bucky had his arms firmly around him, running his hand up and down his back slowly. Bucky listened to Steve’s breathing to make sure he wasn’t having another attack. The thought that Steve was in trouble, that he wasn’t okay, made him hold the blond closer.

He needed his babydoll to be okay. If Steve was okay, then he could be okay.

“Love you Buck.” Steve mumbled sleepily into his chest. He was right, more kissing and a little bit of sex helped him to fall asleep pretty quickly.

“Mm I know, punk. I love you too, now go to sleep.” He replied, kissing the top of Steve’s head. Steve curled himself further into Bucky like he did every night. He seemed to forget that he wasn’t small anymore and placed himself basically on top of Bucky.

Bucky didn’t really mind all that much. He could feel his breathing and hear him mumble about his dreams, good or bad. And he couldn’t get enough of being able to touch Steve, and not just dream about it. After such a bad day for Steve, Bucky knew he was better enough to be tough with him. It was Steve’s turn to let someone take care of him.

Steve stirred a bit but let out a sigh and clutched Bucky tighter. It was nice that they both needed each other so much and that it was okay.

Relaxing just a little, Bucky let himself be lulled to sleep by Steve’s light and easy breathing.


End file.
